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I was metres away when this dude got hit by a train." Iain Stirling, Udderbelly14 "When Jesus went to heaven, was that not essentially 'moving back in with your parents'?

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"Joe Lycett, Pleasance Courtyard2 "I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.

I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship with Channel 4." Hayley Ellis, Pleasance Courtyard5 "I really fancy Ed Miliband.

My first boyfriend asked me to do missionary and I buggered off to Africa for six months." Hayley Ellis, Pleasance Courtyard4 "Gok Wan has a programme telling us what to wear, now what to eat.

I guess that's why they had that divorce."Tom Deacon, Pleasance Dome9 "You can keep paying us and we'll keep waving from the balcony."Andrew Maxwell on the Royal Family, Assembly George Square10 "Watching porn on the internet is like witnessing a crime scene – I feel like I need to call the police."Alan Davies, EICC11 "I used to want to be star but now I just like hot darkness."Anti-comedian Eddie Pepitone, Just the Tonic at The Tron12 "The finest Rioja comes from Fife.

Meanwhile Spain is on fire."Phill Jupitus on a climate-changed world in 2052, The Stand13 "Just had a near death experience.