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I yawned my way through weeknights with a tutor or at a prep program, and I spent my Saturdays at Korean school hating life while learning how to be a better Korean. "You're not married to this so-called boyfriend of yours yet — what's the big deal? Actually, just be willing to eat everything when you're around me. So I'm neurotic about some aspect of that, whether it's my weight or the particular paleness of my skin or my big feet or what have you. Don't cross me when I'm mad because something like the kimchi slap will happen to you. There's nothing like finding the perfect partner who shares your background and goals.

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And don't ask me what that sign says because I probably don't know. I'll expect you to pick up a few words of said language if you don't know it already. You'll never be able to get to the check faster than I can! My parents will immediately reject you as a suitor.

How else are we supposed to talk about other people in public? My parents programmed every second of my life before it was cool for parents to do that. In fact, they'll probably continue trying to set me up with their friends' sons. They might not think you're husband material (yet), but they will like you more if you eat.11.

I don't understand why anyone would eat Flaming Hot Cheetos without chopsticks (keeps the Cheetos dust from getting on the fingers). Don't assume I know how to speak fill-in-the-blank-Asian language. If you pour tea for yourself before my Yeh Yeh, you will be judged accordingly.13. Prepare for a lifetime of finding knots of long black hairs in the shower drain, in the vacuum cleaner, on the carpet, everywhere, all the time.14.

I didn't necessarily grow up speaking any language other than English. Doesn't matter who's with me, when I'm eating out, I'm going to reach for the check first. With parents and aunts and uncles getting into physical altercations over who gets to pay for dinner.

I will make you to take off your shoes in my house. And never, ever try to get on the bed with your shoes on. I like to use chopsticks in new and interesting ways.