After months of trying to analyze our way into a better marriage, Helen decided unilaterally to change the way she communicated with me. It was as if she put on new glasses that magnified the good in our relationship and obscured the problems.I began to believe her propaganda and found myself acting in a more caring manner.Now a year later, we've noticed that many problems have receded.
If we still don't get what we want, we experience what could be called a wound, and we create a defense against being wounded again, such as withdrawing emotionally or escalating our demands.
We were guided by two principles that can help you transform your relationship. Every time you "invest" in the negative, you are honing your ability to detect faults.
Your energy amplifies the annoying and the fragile, and you create the conditions that allow your problems to grow like weeds in an unkempt field.
When a relationship is going well, it feels magical.
After 40 years as a marital therapist, though, I know that good marriages depend on more than magic.